Diary Of A Nudist – A New Report From The Beachcomber

Our travelling nudist returns with a look at the current state of nude beaches – and it’s a story of slow decline and furtive voyeurism.

At the end of last year, I was very happy to see that among The Reprobate‘s most-read articles of 2022 was one I wrote entitled The Naked Truth About Nude Beaches. So having just got back from a week of nakedness in Maspalomas, Gran Canaria, I thought readers might be interested in an update on the nude beach world.

The main point in my article was that nudism is only in part an innocent desire to get close to nature by shedding your clothes and that there is within it a big sexual element. But in a world where everything we once understood to be true is now not only denied but the opposite is claimed, this should perhaps be unsurprising. The things I saw on my trip didn’t dissuade me of the opinion that I’ve come around to in recent years.

This is what I saw this time:

There was one middle-aged nude couple lying there in the middle of the beach with her wanking his cock in pretty much full view of passers-by. A day later there was another nude couple who I’m pretty sure were doing exactly the same, but a bit more surreptitiously.

One afternoon some guy – in his thirties probably, wearing only a wide-brimmed hat and impenetrable dark sunglasses – came and sat nearby. He was five feet away from one couple, 10 feet from another couple, 20 feet from me, and I’m near certain he masturbated by sitting on the ground with his legs up, knees bent and furtively sticking his hand ‘down there’ and going for it. On seeing this I swivelled on my sun lounger and abruptly turned my back on him. When I looked around a couple of minutes later he was gone, and I saw him skulking into the distance, hopefully feeling ashamed. But probably not.

One old fella (well over 70, I’d say) constantly strode around the beach sucking on a lollipop and showing off his not inconsiderable todger which was gripped at the base by a black cock ring.*

The creepiest incident had to be the one involving what I can only guess was a transsexual of some sort. I am genuinely unable to say whether this person was born male or female: they had some signs of maleness, some signs of femaleness. They had no breasts but, apparently, a vagina. They had hairy legs. They had a male jawline but a female-ish body shape. They displayed odd behaviour, sometimes sprinting across the beach, binoculars in hand, trying to alert the coast guard to some non-existent disaster at sea, or jumping like a bunny rabbit across the sand. They would feverishly dig sandcastles next to their sun lounger, which was always covered with masses of paraphernalia, everything from towels to sketchbooks. From the moment I came to the beach in the morning to the moment I left in the evening, this person was always there (always completely naked). And then on my penultimate day there, I noticed that this person had made a friend, an old man (I’d say around 75) who sported a red baseball cap and nothing else. They went into the sea together which, as usual, was a bit rough, with waves constantly crashing against the shore. And I’m 99.9% sure they had sex underneath the water, the old man’s thrusting motions being hidden from view. This went on for some time. It wasn’t the most edifying of spectacles.

Elsewhere, I had the realisation that some men have perfected the art of the ‘no-hands wank’, which involves lying on their back with their knees up and rhythmically squeezing their cock between the top of their legs while they innocently rest their hands behind their head. And you’re never sure who’s looking at who, as people with sunglasses on stare across the hot, hazy beach at something in the distance – or are they looking at you? You could get quite paranoid if you had a mind to.

So – the nude beach remains a pervert’s paradise. But I should stress that the majority of attendees are innocent sun-seekers. You could partly guess that from their age – sexual desire will have diminished somewhat in many of these folk of advanced years.

This brings me to my second observation, which concerns the age of nudists. I’d say not only are the vast majority over 50, but the majority are over 60. Was it ever thus? I’m not sure. Yes, the nudist literature/propaganda of old would present an unrealistic picture of young and beautiful naked things everywhere but still… I know I’m basing my judgment on one week in one place, but when I was first there a decade ago I remember fewer wrinkly beach bodies.

When you’re sitting on your lounger in the nude section, you observe those passing by. You could place bets: if it’s a largish couple in their sixties you can bet they’re going to stop at the nude section; if it’s a slim, young couple in their thirties it’s much less likely. If it’s a gaggle of beautiful girls in their twenties: forget it! They will resolutely walk on.

Were those who are sunbathing naked now doing so 20, 30 years ago? Quite possibly. In 20, 30 years’ time will the lot who currently keep their bikinis and trunks on be going nude? I’m not so sure. But who knows, perhaps you need to grow into nudism.

What are the reasons why younger people, especially women, are seemingly less keen on getting naked in public? There are probably many, too many to list here. In the age of quality cameraphones, maybe many don’t want to run the risk of being filmed and ending up on the internet. Maybe many young women have body image issues. Maybe it’s because in some cultures (like the UK) it’s a habit most associated with old, fat Germans: the prophecy thus becomes self-fulfilling. Maybe it’s because public depictions of nudity are becoming rarer – for example, on this visit I barely saw a single postcard on sale with breasts or bums, whereas a decade ago you couldn’t move for them. In Sweden, whereas 30 or 40 years ago girls would go topless at municipal swimming pools there’s none of that now, and some have put that down to Sweden going from monocultural to multicultural at dizzying speed.

Maybe general perving has driven some away. But maybe that will become rarer because if there’s less to perv at there will be less pervs, and that will mean that the younger ones will return to the nude beach. Maybe!

Will nude beaches still be with us in a few decades? Or have they gone tits up? (Sorry.) Will the bottom fall out of them? (Sorry, again.) Or will they have a renaissance? I’d love that to be the case but I’m not optimistic. Enjoy them while you can, they’re still fun despite the pervs and the chubby geriatrics. Or maybe the pervs and chubby geriatrics make them more fun? Variety is the spice and all that.

* The difference in penis sizes on the nude beach is marked, pubic hair differences less so – so many now are waxed down there within an inch of their lives. Ouch!


Like what we do? Support us and help us do more!


One comment

  1. I am a bit confused by your two articles on this subject. The first one suggested that there is definitely a sexual element to being on a nude beach – which I agree with. The second one expresses surprise that people are ‘perving’ on the beach. Surely this is to be expected? As for old people not being interested in sex – I don’t think that’s true, and maybe the stimulus and novelty of being on the nude beach is what gets them going?
    My wife and I have just got back from Maspalomas ourselves and didn’t really see any sexual activity going on by beach users, though we didn’t venture too much into the dunes which is possibly where most of it happens. There was definitely more oldies on the nudist beaches though. Maybe they just don’t care what other people think and are more secure in their relationships so aren’t worried about their partners liking at other naked bodies? Good luck to them either way.

Comments are closed.