Masturbation Is Witchcraft!

Watch out when you are bashing the bishop – you’re just cursing yourself and your future generations. Apparently.

When they are not being absolutely terrifying, then your more insane Christian fundamentalists are pretty hilarious. Often, the two things go together, as in this Tik Tok clip that was shared on Twitter by April Ajoy this week of an unidentified Christian Influencer – because of course that is a thing – holding forth on the evils of masturbation.

Now, as we know, spanking the monkey and flicking the bean have become something of a fixation with right-wing moralists of late, with events like No Nut November and the suggestion that having a wank is draining our men of their vital essences. But still, when you find someone in 2022 telling you that “masturbation is a form of witchcraft”, you tend to sit up and pay attention.

As you’d expect, this claim, that masturbation is a form of demonic control – because “you are literally controlling an orgasm” – is delivered with the hand-waving and sense of righteousness you’d expect from someone like this on Tik Tok, as if she is the first person to make such a connection. She goes on to tell us that this is a curse that you place not only on yourself but also on future generations – assuming that you stop wanking long enough to spill your seed into a fertile woman, that is. What exactly this curse is goes unexplained – the curse of making them also masturbate, presumably. Well, yes… that seems likely but as curses go, it could be worse. Still, it tells us something that the biggest fear Christians have is of people controlling their own pleasure. God forbid.

Anyway, here’s the clip. Feel free to knock one out while watching if aggressively angry young women are your thing.

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  1. She walked in on her boyfriend getting devout and releasing his holy spirit over an image of Laila Mickelwait…

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