Pouring over the good, the bad and the ugly of festive gifts for friends, family or your own selfish pleasures.
Yes, it’s that time of year again where you may feel an obligation – or perhaps even a desire – to shower friends and family with gifts they neither want nor deserve in the forlorn hope of somehow avoiding the inevitable Christmas family row. It’s also the time of year where websites feel the need to suggest Christmas gifts to hapless punters trying to negotiate the heaving high street of disease-ridden cretins while trying to find something – anything – for that family member who has everything and likes nothing. Well, never let it be said that The Reprobate isn’t willing to go balls-deep in search of empty clicks. Here then, are… well, not necessarily recommendations, but rather passing commentary on some of the amusing novelties and objects of desire that have come our way for consideration. Some of these things are advent calendars so if anything takes your fancy, order now and think later. Don’t forget to tell the suppliers who sent you. And if your product isn’t here – well, that’s not our fault, is it? Feel free to get in touch for our critical judgement – if you dare.
Please note that all listed suppliers are in the UK (because we’re hungry for that sweet, sweet affiliate income), but all you overseas-types should be able to find local versions of the same faceless multinational stockists with minimal effort.
SUTURES SATANIC PATCHES
We’ll open up with a plug for our good friends at Sutures, the name behind both the finest headwear and devilishly groovy patches that you use to liven up your workaday clothing and household objects. Personal experience tells me that these also make rather spiffing Christmas Tree decorations. The Sutures team have yet to lower themselves to running an actual website but can be found on Instagram with all the cool kids – https://www.instagram.com/hautesuture/ – and you can find most of the available designs there. Any questions, just ask! Alternatively, those of you in London can head down to the Satanic Flea Market at Electrowerkz on December 12th (12pm to 6pm) where we’ll be sharing a stall.
HARD LEATHER PERFUME
Perfume is a classic Christmas gift, of course. We assume that Reprobate readers are only going to want the most hardcore of scents – and nothing says ‘hardcore’ more than Hard Leather, which conjures up thoughts of Tom of Finland-level excesses more than the tedious aspirational nonsense of your average scent ad on TV. This continues to the description of the perfume as ‘syrupy and voluptuous’ – no delicate floral notes here – and a video ad that revels in sweat, blood, nudity and religious iconography. Make no mistake – no one is going to fail to notice you when you wear this, even if you are locked in the darkroom of a BDSM club.
If Hard Leather sounds a bit tame, though, how about splashing on some Kinski? Kinski, for crying out loud! While celebrity perfumes are usually a dismal affair all round, it’s fair to say that this is something else entirely. A perfume based on cinema’s most controversial and notorious actor, a man who is described (with some understatement) by the scent’s extensive press notes as someone “whose complex personality enthralled and appalled a generation”. Ever wondered what Klaus Kinski might smell like? This might not give you the answer but it does seem to want to be as challenging as the man himself. Given that the first top note listed is marijuana and the perfume sets out to capture a “feral sensuality”, it’s safe to say that this is not going to be for everyone. It’ll certainly be a talking point, should someone ask you what you’re wearing. This is, incidentally, an officially licensed perfume from Kinski Productions and you might have to dig around to find it now – but it’s worth the effort.
Every so often, something arrives at Reprobate HQ that seems somewhat outside our usual area of interest – but our tastes are varied. The Moonshine from Waboba is not, as you may have hoped, a bottle of potentially poisonous booze but rather a bouncy ball. “What the deuce?” I hear you cry. Yes, the Moonshine makes a pop noise when you bounce it and lights up for seven seconds – probably handy as it apparently bounces up to one hundred feet. When I first took this out of the box, the Reprobate Office Cat (of whom more later) became incomprehensibly excited and reacted to the ball bouncing with both wild-eyed excitement and absolute terror, furiously battering the ball before running off to stare at it from behind a pair of shoes, eyes wide and rear-end wiggling. This level of fascination lasted a full ten minutes before boredom set in.
Obviously, a bouncy ball is a bouncy ball, no matter how much you fancy it up and so whether or not this justifies the near-ten quid price depends very much on just how exciting you find such things. But if you want to annoy your neighbours with shouty ball-bouncing games in the garden during the hours of darkness, this seems just the thing (at least until it bounces into their garden).
CHEESE ADVENT CALENDAR
We’ll probably plug this every year, but it’s cheese, dammit, and that never goes out of fashion. The Cheese Advent Calendar from Ilchester and So Wrong It’s Nom always seems the ideal way of starting the day in the run-up to Christmas – though let’s be honest, most of you depraved animals will probably just crack it all open on Day One and gorge yourselves. Or is that just us?
Anyway, the calendar features a selection of groovy cheeses, very much of the type you probably buy in wildly-overpriced wax-covered balls from your local supermarket at Christmas just because it’s there. There’s Cheddar with Apple, Onion and Sage, varying ages of Cheddar and Applewood, Double Gloucester, Red Leicester and Mexicana. Excuse me while I wipe the drool from the keyboard.
Of course, in theory (well, actually in practice) you can probably buy all these cheeses as individual blocks for less than the price of the calendar, but that’s rather missing the point. Available from assorted supermarkets around the world – check the website for a full list of stockists.
THORNBRIDGE ADVENT CALENDAR
There are many variations on the brewery advent calendar because let’s face it, we all need a lot of booze to see us through the coming month. Our pick of the pack – by virtue of actually being told about it and having a familiarity with the potential contents – is from Thornbridge, who are offering 24 beers – nine 440ml and fifteen 330ml cans – plus vouchers and socks (!) for £70, which our office calculator tells us is £2.92(ish) a can. This seems pretty reasonable – you probably can’t buy all these in Tesco, though the box is a tad vague on just which beers are included. I’ve never been steered wrong by Thornbridge so I’m sure it’s all good stuff.
COUPLE’S ADVENT-URE CALENDAR
Those of you looking for more intimate advent pleasures might care to try the Couple’s Advent-ure calendar, which plays on the Latin meaning of ‘advent’ – ‘coming’. It’s a pretty basic affair, being a flat piece of card with scratch-off panels that doesn’t even hang on the wall – presumably, you are supposed to keep it on the side of your bed or hidden from view rather than prominently displayed. Each partner is supposed to take turns scratching off a panel to reveal “raunchy and romantic challenges”, so it’s very much a ‘supply your own reward’ advent calendar.
Review requirements meant that we had to spoil the daily surprise and to no one’s surprise, this is all very much aimed at the people who think Fifty Shades of Grey is the height of hardcore kink. The three suggests that we looked at – from day one to Christmas Eve -include such perversions as ‘Merry Movie’ (“cuddle up for a festive film night with candles, snacks and drinks”), ‘Silent Night’ (“request that your partner gags you for some intimate playtime tonight”) and ‘Bow Job’ (“whilst naked use ribbon and gift wrap to make a present of yourself for your partner to unwrap”). In other words, it’s the sort of vanilla – and increasingly convoluted – naughtiness that you find in dull books about pepping up stale relationships. For all I know, one of the other days might be suggesting a watersports orgy with the people next door, but it seems unlikely.
The basic nature of this means that you could probably knock up your own version at home that is more attuned to your own filthy, degenerate tastes. At £10, you probably need a rather sparse erotic imagination to make this product worthwhile, to be honest.
THE DIVINE CHRISTMAS SWEATER
Now, this is more like it. The lurid Christmas jumper might be a traditional British thing but trust Americans – in this case, Blizzard Bay – to create the ultimate example. After years of dithering, we splashed out on one of these John Waters-flavoured jumpers this year and there are no regrets – it looks even more vividly extravagant in the flesh than it does in photos, and even if the Santa Angel figures have “faces like monkeys” (thank you Mrs R.), the overall effect of this masterpiece of bad taste is still impressive. Wear them with cha-cha heels for the full festive effect.
I’ve no idea how ‘official’ these are but frankly, if you are a Reprobate reader and not already clicking the buying link, I’m going to judge you. Note that these come from the US and if you want it for Christmas, you might want to order it right now (US readers can redirect from the UK link).
PYEWACKETT’S REVENGE WITCHFINDER CATNIP TOY
Yes, it’s not just the humans who expect Christmas gifts. Not in this house, anyway. What more amusing way to treat your feline overlord than with a catnip-stuffed Matthew Hopkins? Cats, after all, have long been associated with witches so why not allow them a bit of vengeance against the most notorious Witchfinder General? Here you see our very own Pyewackett proudly enjoying her new toy last Christmas – admittedly, she was more inclined to lick and hug it than rip it to shreds, but it certainly met with approval- and if you have to have a floor strewn with cat toys, you might as well be entertained by it too.
And don’t forget that you can still order Reprobate books (unless you are in the EU, in which case you might as well be living on Mars – thanks, Brexit!) as the ideal Christmas gift too!
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