Merry Cheesemas, Merry Kinkmass! The Joys Of The Alternative Advent Calendar

From fancy cheeses to kinky sex toys, this year’s advent calendars for adults offer a wide range of decadent pleasures.

A man who is tired of cheese is tired of life, and after a somewhat difficult year, what better way to wind it down and see it off than with a tasty cheesy treat every morning? The Christmas curio that is the Cheese Advent Calendar is back for a fourth year, promoted with the slogan #CheeseNotChoc (though the true connoissuer might like to have both) offering twenty-four individual cheese treats that are not exactly exotic, but perhaps slightly more varied than the average consumer might have on a regular basis. The cheeses come from the Ilchester range and go from mature cheddar (thankfully, no bland mild cheddar is included) to Mexicana and Sage Derby.

The cynical killjoy might point out that it actually works out cheaper to buy twenty-four individual cheese pieces than this – or several larger chunks of your favourite – though at a price of £21.99 in the UK, I’m not sure that is necessarily true. In any case, you might say the same about regular advent calendars and chocolate bars, and surely the joy is in the novelty value of opening the window each day to be (mildly) surprised at what lies within. What’s more, this original version from So Wrong It’s Nom – which started life as a home-made prototype before making it into commercial production by popular demand – is a lot cheaper than some of the shameless imitations that have popped up since.

Of course, the adult-themed advent calendar is quite the thing now, and you now get everything from 24 Days of Rum and Gin to hot sauce and pork scratchings – essentially everything for the sophisticated man about town. Or, if you prefer your pleasures to be more sensual (though what is more sensual than a pork scratching, we might ask?) then Boots have teamed up with Lovehoney to offer a kinky, BDSM-themed advent calendar that will set you back £100, but includes vibrators, cock sheaths, nipple clamps and butt plugs – so works out pretty cheaply per item, though we can’t vouch for the quality compared to regular dildos and the like. Still, this is a gutsy move – given the widespread outrage that greeted Boots selling very mild vibrators a few years ago, we can only imagine what will happen as news of this novelty item – using the format of a traditional children’s Christmas gift, lest we forget – spreads. Still, a merry Christmas seems assured with this collection, especially if you also add some cheese to the daily delights.

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