From the fringe world of specialist VHS tapes comes this combination of bikini babes and heavy weaponry.
You wanna know where the real end of the line is? The genuine bottom of the barrel, jaw-dropping cultural abomination? Well, forget your taboo-shattering European art movies, your gutspilling splatter opuses and extreme porno flicks – the true lowest of the low is here, and it’s called Rock ‘N’ Roll #3: Sexy Girls and Sexy Guns.
Of course, scantily clad babes blasting off heavy weaponry has been a staple attraction of exploitation movies for years. Think of all those classic New World Pictures from the Seventies, with Pam Grier, Tamara Dobson or some other B-movie goddess blasting her way to freedom. Savour those titles: The Big Doll House, Caged Heat, Sweet Sugar, Coffy… they drip from the tongue like honey. The Cramps immortalised this classic strain of film-making on their song Bikini Girls with Machine Guns, and somehow, somewhere, that must have struck a particularly potent chord with one listener.
Kenyon Blower (and there’s a good joke in that name, I suspect) knew that with most films, you have to sit through a ninety-minute story in order to get your fix of gun-totin’ chicks. And who wants that? Having already produced two insignificant volumes of Rock ‘N’ Roll, he was looking for a gimmick. After all, there was only so far that you could go with sub-standard Heavy Metal-backed footage of men firing off round after round. So, for the third instalment, Blower had The Gimmick. Sexy Girls and Sexy Guns. Babes and Bullets. Floozies with Uzi’s.
It seems like a winning combination, but Blower manages to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory. Yes, this tape manages the seemingly impossible, making bikini girls firing off machine guns seem boring. For 48 minutes, this videotape – which boasts on the cover that it is in ‘full color’, hardly what you’d think was a selling point in the late 1980s – indulges not one, but two redneck wank fantasies. The format is simple, frighteningly so. To quote the voice-over: “fourteen of the sexiest Southern California beauties in string bikini’s and high heels, firing the sexiest fully automatic machine-guns in the world.” Only in America, folks!
To the backing of rather bland heavy rock music, we meet the gals, dressed to kill in the desert or some lush green landscape, pumping away on those oh-so-phallic tools of destruction. First up is Lillian, with an on-screen caption tells us everything important about this particular ‘babe’ (i.e, she’s 5’3″, 104lbs, 34-22-34). Togged out in a skimpy red outfit, with legs that reach up to heaven, Lillian is firing an MPK sub-machine gun. She tells us that “this is a lot of fun”, before gushing over the technical qualities of the weapon in her hands. “Those Germans really know how to make a machine gun!”, she enthuses…
The remaining ‘babes’ follow a similar format. There’s Rosie, a gravel-voiced Commie hater who is staggered by her gun’s recoil as she blasts away in a gold bikini; the strangely unattractive Tani Jo, with a hideous Deep South accent and pink outfit, gleefully telling us that her chosen weapon is a favourite with “the underworld”; the well built and haughty looking Dottie, spending more time posing than shooting…
Each girl thinks that firing a gun is great fun. None seem too interested in the more negative results of America’s lax gun laws, and most are probably too dumb to even understand the arguments for or against gun control – or anything else, for that matter. It’s hard to imagine having a conversation with Angela, for example – this physically stunning blonde comes wrapped in a tiny red costume, but has dead, empty eyes. Equally vacuous is Adrianna, who’s faltering narration is delivered with a bizarre accent as she pumps away with an Uzi. She looks hot, but it’s all too obvious that the lights are out and there’s nobody home.
Despite the sleeve’s promise of fourteen babes in string bikinis, a few girls just aren’t playing along. Julie, for example, is in streetwear, while the leggy Tish struts around in skin-tight spandex. Kathy comes with a 42″ chest, but tit men can stop salivating now; she’s a body-builder, and it’s all solid muscle. She takes the dress code violation to a natural conclusion – a female Schwarzenegger in combat gear.
While director Blower steadfastly avoids any nudity in the tape*, he nevertheless wants to give his audience value for their boners (though how many are only wanking over the weapons is something we’ll hopefully never know). So, apart from hardbodied bikini babes, we also get a couple of girls in flimsy white T-shirt cut-offs. Denise might have a voice that has you reaching for the Mute button, but this thin cotton covering allows maximum jiggle as she blasts away on her AK-47. Similarly, when we see voluptuous rock chick Kathy, the camera peers lovingly at her sweat-drenched breasts, giving that all-important hint of nipple showing through.
It’s easy to scoff at this. The idea is so scuzzy, the presentation so crass and the girls so vacuous, it becomes a parody. There undoubtedly is something loin-stirring about some cool and sensuous sex kitten posing with a lethal weapon, but this just seems laughable – and not remotely sexy, unless you are particularly desperate. But the laughter stops (or, depending on your point of view, increases tenfold) when you realise that the main audience for this film really will be getting harder looking at the guns than they were at the girls. Even the most ardent supporter of the second amendment might find that a little depressing. But perhaps not.
Anyway, if your curiosity has been peaked – and let’s be fair, it has – you can watch the whole damn thing here.
* – a curious American attitude, this, also found on many female gunge wrestling-style tapes, where the emphasis is firmly on T&A, but nudity remains a taboo.