Fleshlight Freaks

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It’s interesting to note that while women now treat sex toys as some sort of badge of honour, metaphorically waving their rampant rabbits around as some kind of sign of sexual liberation, male sex toys have generally remained – in terms of public perception – the province of the sad wanker. Part of this might be because men have traditionally done very well using their own hands, thank you very much, but mostly because things like blow-up dolls have generally been horrible objects that you could only imagine appealing to the most socially inept. But things are perhaps changing, and Fleshlights have been at the forefront of that change.

Ferociously promoted on release, the Fleshlight is the Rolls Royce of male sex toys (those Real Dolls being the private jets of sex toys) and with over two million shifted, they are obviously doing something right. The range takes in everything from celebrity porn star vagina moulds to the more eccentric designs, though all effectively do the same thing, acting as portable pussy substitutes for horny men. 

The Fleshlight Freaks line was a particularly eccentric strand – horror-themed artificial vaginas are, shall we say, a bit eccentric, and we might question why someone would want to fuck (or be fucked by) a scar-ridden sexy to. But there’s not accounting for taste.

As the nice people at the Fleshlight head office were kind enough to ship a box of Fleshlight Freaks across to us for consideration, we decided to ship them out to a few volunteers for their consideration.  Here’s what they had to say…

Frankenstein Fleshlight

I’m not sure what I expected from this, but my first impression was ‘what a brute’! Packaged in a metal cylinder, the actual Fleshlight is a hefty item – unsurprisingly in retrospect, given the requirements. It does look like a large torch, but when you remove the lid, you are faced with a fairly authentic looking artificial vagina – though this being a special horror edition, it’s a vagina surrounded by stitches and scars, which could be rather suspect I guess, if you start to think about what sort of man would be aroused by such a sight. But in the end, this, along with the other Halloween editions, is a bit of a gimmick – you can’t see any of this when you are using the Fleshlight, and the external packaging is plain black – all the better for discrete storage I suppose, but a bit disappointing given the theme of the thing.

It comes with a couple of sachets of lube – which you’ll need – and instructions for preparation, use and aftercare. Using this requires a bit of prep, as you heat the slightly disturbingly fleshy rubber in warm water and lube it up before use, so you probably won’t be using this for a spontaneous wank.

I have to admit, this is pretty good. It feels pretty authentic, and while I haven’t got any rival products to compare it to, I can certainly see why this has become the top-selling toy on the market. The size makes it a little awkward to use in some positions at first, so you’ll probably have to go through a bit of trial and error before getting fully into it, but it’s certainly worth the effort, as this is as close to the real thing as I can see anything reaching. You might want to shut off the lights or close your eyes, as looking down at it as you pump away can instantly shatter any fantasy you might’ve built up.

At around £60, this is not for the causal masturbator; but if you are looking for something to enhance your self-pleasuring moments considerably, this remarkably well engineered and solidly built toy is worth the expense.

HUNT MINGE

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Frankenstein Dildo

I don’t know what I expected when I agreed to try this out, but I’ll admit that when it came out of the package, I swallowed hard. This dayglo green monster is a whopping ten inches long, and has a girth that I could only just get my hand around. Not only that, but it looks really scary – lurid green, full of stitches, scars, bolts and peeled back flesh revealing mechanics and tendons, it more than lives up to its name.

But never let it be said that I’m not game for experimentation. So I gave it a go, and once I came to terms with the size, easing it in slowly with lots of lube, it really began to get me where I needed to go. The large size does make it a bit of a handful to use – the weight means that I had to use both hands, and that meant that the amount of clit play or nipple squeezing I could do was limited. A sucker on the bottom would’ve been nice to allow me to stick it on a flat surface and use it that way, but alas there isn’t one.

But I did like this, though it’s more of a novelty that a serious toy I think, unless you really get off on mutilated horror cocks (I bet it’s big on the goth market). Personally, I prefer a buzzing vibe to a rubber dildo, but if you are into more flexible toys or really big cocks, this is definitely for you!

DD

Cyborg Fleshlight Dildo

I love a novelty sex toy, me. In the garage somewhere, I have a huge black double-ended fisting dildo – modelled on real male hands – that just looks so incredible, I had to take it home to review. It remains un-used, but I want to mount it on a plaque, like the horns of a stag, as some kind of weird political artistic statement. So, when I was asked to review a new product for The Reprobate, I rubbed my smutty little hands together.

Then I found out it was a set of novelty ‘Freak’ Fleshlight dildos and ‘sleeves’ (or whatever the industry now calls things you stick your cock into). Hmm. I remember a few years ago when they made Fleshlights with vampire mouths (presumably for those with vagina dentata/goth girlfriend fetishes) and sparkly dildos you were meant to put in the fridge (presumably for the throngs of teenage girls who wanted to have Edward Cullen’s sparkly babies). So I was a little more resigned to some half-arsed, cobbled-together wobbly cock with pretend bolts or teeth that would be going nowhere near my delicate parts.

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When it arrived, however, I was faced with a pearly-purple Geiger-esque piece of art, sitting quietly like a big wobbly mechanical scorpion-tail. It’s magnificent. So magnificent, I decided to take it to my boyfriend’s house to induct him into the life of being the partner of a professional pervert.

“Are you ready?” I said, skipping across the room and crouching behind the sofa (because that’s where my bag was, not because I’m a twat).

“Yes!” he enthused, cross-legged, eager expression.

As I rummaged through the layers of plastic packing and the contents of my overnight bag, I sang the theme to 2001 – A Space Odyssey, leaping out for the final fanfare, dildo aloft. (Polite applause from boyfriend.) I gave it to him to inspect, which he did with a fascination reserved usually for those with a keen appreciation for small insects. He prodded it, squeezed it, then, finally, held it by the base and jiggled it at me.

I grinned. “Good, eh?”

“Amazing. It’s like… it’s like art. We should put it on the coffee table for when visitors come round.”

Which is what we did. We left it there all weekend. Oh, apart from the time when I shoved it down my top and pretended it was bursting from my chest. Oh, and the time when Boyfriend decided to be a big purple unicorn. Oh, and the time I very, very quietly tried to put it in his ear when he was checking Twitter and he thought he was being attacked.

In the dying hours of the weekend, we just happened to get, er… you know. Amorous. In the heat of the moment (and because it was handy) boyfriend seized the dildo and asked if I want to try it. High on endorphins, I agreed. I shall spare you the gory details, but suffice to say, when it first, ahem, entered, I was a bit taken aback. A bit big and with very weird ridgey bits that weren’t entirely pleasant going in. I was close to calling a halt and throwing the Cyborg onto the pile of other useless novelty review toys when I realized that there was function as well as form to it. If inserted the right way – i.e. with balls ‘hanging’ down – it is the perfect g-spot stimulator. Not too harsh, not too direct, just… well. I’ll fast forward a bit, but it was good. Very good. Tingles-all-over-your-body good. Oh-my-God-what-just-happened good. I-need-to-lie-down-for-a-minute-you-can-finish-yourself-off good. Good.

Only when I came to write this did I properly inspect the rest of the range and I can’t say such things for the other models, apart from the others look much more creepy and gross (especially the decaying zombie fanny – ick), whereas the cyborg just looks spectacular. Worryingly, not just for me but for the pure fact that it’s a dildo, the small print reads ‘For external use only’… But as they are all made from healthcare-grade, platinum cured silicone, I can only assume that’s a disclaimer in the unlikely event that you get an intimate part snagged on a design feature.

Just get one. Yes, they may be more for looking at than using, but the using is GOOD. Plus it looks awesome on the coffee table. And we all like to play ‘Big Purple Unicorn’ from time to time, right? Happy Hallowe’en.

LILY HILL

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