Dog Perfume Is This Year’s Must-Have Gift For Morons


Here at The Reprobate, we get a lot of press releases, most of which are for things we will never, ever be interested in. Every now and again, though, something leaps out as being so utterly ludicrous that we have to sit up and pay attention. Case in point: Hownd’s Dog Perfume.

Let’s clear one thing up right now: this is not a joke. There’s a company making perfume for dogs, which they market as “sophistication in a bottle”, apparently without any sense of irony. because nothing says ‘sophistication’ more than a mongrel that smells of jasmine and peach.

There are two fragrances – Butch Leather (which sounds like the name of a Seventies gay porn star) cologne for Man Dogs, and Peach Bum Perfume for Lady Dogs (or bitches, as we used to call them – though presumably that is now almost as bad as fat-shaming an otter). Thank goodness they have gone to the effort of separating the sexes, as I can only imagine the shame of a male dog who found himself wearing some girly scent. The lack of options for gender fluid dogs seems a bit insensitive, however.

The blurb goes on to suggest that these are ideal for “doggy dates” – by which we hope they mean dates between two dogs, rather than any sort of inter-species activity by perverted owners. Of courser, this makes the rather unlikely assumption that dogs – who are noted for the fact that they have a powerful sense of smell and use their noses to explore the world – will somehow be more taken by “notes of vetiver and cedarwood” than the actual smell of another dog.

The fragrances are approved by Cruelty Free International, which suggests a certain short-sightedness – sure, the products might be ethically produced, but I suspect any dog sprayed with this stuff will be a pretty unhappy camper. Sometimes, cruelty can be psychological. But even if these perfumes don’t fuck with the heads of the poor beasts that are made to wear them, it’s hard to imagine that the “new levels of refined masculinity” will really get the “girlie tails” wagging. The little bow tie is impressive, though – dogs just love that shit.

To be fair, Hownds are not the only people producing this sort of thing (there’s White Pearl Paw femme by Harriott and Hound for one, which adds a slice of pomposity to things), and so it might be a bit cruel to single Hownds out – but hell, they are the ones who sent the press release. In truth, this nonsense is aimed at owners who are, shall we say, a touch sensitive about animal odours and for some reason want their pet to smell as fragrant as they (think they) do. But here’s a suggestion: if the smell of a dog upsets you so much, don’t get a dog.