Like coffee? Of course you do. Like vinyl LPs? Sure, doesn’t everyone these days? Like black metal? Well, yes. And so you’ll doubtless be thrilled to hear that someone in America has combined all three. Or, you might be scratching your head and thinking “what the hell?”, in which case join the club.
Peter’s Cold Brew is described as ‘blacker than black’ and is a triple strength coffee. “The street calls it liquid cocaine” claims the ad, though it doesn’t specify where exactly this particular street might be. The ad makes some pretty hardcore claims for the coffee, which are intriguing to those of us who enjoy an especially savage cuppa.
To help promote the coffee, Peter’s has combined with “infamous coffee artist and master chocolatier” (because those are apparently things now) Patrick Gelencser to create LPs pressed straight from coffee beans. The ad refers to the records as ‘vinyl’, suggesting a deep misunderstanding of just what that word means, and the pedant among us would argue that a four track twelve-inch is an EP, not an LP – but let’s not split hairs. The sound quality, if the ad is anything to go by, is shocking, but never mind – you can break the record up and add boiling water to make a cup of mocha (thanks to the added chocolate) with it if you choose.And hell, as big fans of gimmicky records, we approve of this idea.
You can’t buy one, of course – they were delivered to journalists and – cough – ‘influencers’ (possibly the worst human beings on the planet), which I suppose is fine if you want an audience of hipsters and the easily impressed, who will watch whatever the latest fly-by-night YouTube sensation is gushing about this week – but surely everyone is well aware by now that the majority of ‘influencers’ are easily bought, vacuous freeloaders who never express an honest opinion about anything that they are being paid to push.
Obviously, The Reprobate is neither important or influential enough to receive one of these freebies – and we’ve probably done ourselves out of ever getting one with this mocking write-up. But we’re up for reviewing, so we eagerly await you email, Peters…
And a hat tip to Matt at Cherry red for pointing us in the direction of this.